Today...

Today was officially a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

Looooooong Day

SO glad you're ungrounded Aly!!

Today started out wrong. First period went wrong. I got called down to the dean's again. Mr. K is pretty legit, but still I don't like getting called to the dean's. I feel like I did something wrong even though I didn't really. Second period went wrong. I printed out the wrong stuff and felt stupid. And almost fell asleep. Third period went just as I expected: wrong. Amazing is so flipping full of herself and she lies constantly. And I hear 99 minutes of it. Oh, the joys! Fourth period was (as always) horrible. So I guess it wasn't wrong because I was kinda expecting. it.

Band was okay. I worked my ass off and now I'm sore. CiCi and I were wearing the same thing. Same shirt, blue skinny jeans, a red hoodie. Even our bracelets are the exact same. CiCi is cool, BUT he's a guy. Is that bad?? I can't decide.
Oh and he was wearing the Toms I desperately want!!! But idk if I'll get them now...

I NEED A HAIRCUT!!!!!!!!!!! I've worn my hair in a pony tail for 5 days and I hate how it looks up and down. Tomorrow or Thursday I'm getting it cut. I can barely wait. Hopefully tomorrow will be easier/better. I have a ton of B Day hw to do though. This is me putting it off because I'm so bored and frustrated with life. But I move on.

Ryan vs. Alex

Ryan texted me the other day. He's still perfect. I hate that he had to leave.
Alex on the other hand is the guy who just transferred into my Chinese class... and is amazing. He's not perfect. He isn't really that cute, from my perspective. However, he has the same sense of humor as me and I love being around him. We both can't decide if we like each other. We both are trying to get the other person to. It's kinda ridiculous actually. I have Chinese on Wednesday! We'll see how that goes :-)

In art, Amazing is causing so much drama. Yes, that's her name. And she treats JT (the guy who broke up with Paige for her) like crap. And she's cheating with JT's best friend. So during the 99 minutes I have of art, I get to hear about it.

I think Molly is starting to drink.

Kim still isn't talking to me. I miss her. I hope that she misses me enough to at least have a regular conversation with me, so that Karson and Aly aren't stuck between us. I love Kimmy!!

Church is changing again. There is no room that youth can go to. Which we don't even totally need one right now, but Joe gave our room to Club 56 and the REC room which is pretty much Net overflow and church's rejected stuff. It makes me feel rejected and like I don't have a place in my church to identify with anymore.

Daniel moved into DU today. College is perfect for how I want to live, and I can't wait for my 4 years of high school to be done!! Maybe in college the school will be big enough to avoid dramatic people. Even though I love them.

I stopped reading Picture Perfect because it's a romance novel (aka "girl porn") and I wish I could keep reading because it was an amazing book!! But I'm not because God doesn't want me to and I figure, I screw up so much already I might as well TRY to do something right.

Next Tuesday we're going to see John!!!!!! Hopefully he'll be able to play soccer, but he's been getting hurt so there's no way to know for sure.
I miss him.

I talked to Erin and she's going to try to earn my trust back. She knows she hurt me. I went and was going to calmly talk to her about how I can't decide if I should let her back in to lead me or not and I ended up bawling about how much I missed her but she'd hurt me so much that I was so lost... and I cried into her shoulder and she hugged me and she's going to work for my trust. I am so relieved.

I didn't get a part in the play. I wasn't expecting one but it still sucked.
Karson didn't get one either and she deserved it.

Dance is gonna be legit!! I can't wait to find out what the song is!!!!!!!! Amanda has known all summer but they won't tell until the actual dance season starts.

Life will be good now or later. It's not all these circumstances that'll make life better, they just make it easier of harder to accept.

The Truth

This was way too complicated to text and I am too cowardly to call you, so here's the truth about the Facebook.

The original email and facebook were NOT made by me. Rather, I guessed the password (it was easy once I knew the email) and I decided to keep the page going. I wasn't the only one who used it though. Then, you found out. You got grounded and I felt bad. So I figured out who the other person was, and we decided to delete the account. You were still grounded though. So I emailed the person and convinced them to email your mom. This was the bigger email argument. I made the 1st one a bigger deal than it sounded.
I ended up making the email to email your mom, and at my house anonymous person and I drafted and emailed your mom. So I didn't completely write it; it sounded like me because I helped.
Now you're going way over the top to find out that the email will be traced to me. And you'll either be pissed now after reading this or then, once you don't even care what I have to say.

I really don't want to be dramatic about it, so if you're too mad to still be my friend so be it, and no arguing. If not, I'll work to earn your trust back.

You can't imagine how really really sorry I am, for everything. And what your parents said about me being a bad friend, I tried not to be and I should have told you the truth earlier and been a better friend.
The anonymous person still gets to be anonymous, but there's the truth. Anything from whatever else I told you either fits with that or I lied.

PLEASE FORGIVE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and text my secondary # when you can

Priorities

I know my priorities are screwed. I'll be okay and if I'm not than I'll find something to fall back on and still be a similar person to who I am now.

Don't Judge!!

School

School is pointless. When am I EVER going to need to know how to write a dialectic journal?! And what world that I'll go into is going to require pre-calc and trig on the same day????????? I have lunch with no one.

I hate that Eric has my blog address enough that I may start a new blog and give this one up. Bleh.

Apparently Julia met a guy at WaterWorld today and I looked through like 300 people on facebook for her, looking for him. Jordan M something... He lives in Boulder and he has light brown hair and bright blue eyes and is going into high school. I don't think she's gonna find him. But there's always that fate crap they teach you to believe in.

Official Favorite Song: Don't Stop Believin'!!

Just For Aly

Eric if you're reading this please stop.

Dear Aly,
You won't text or call me back... I was totally pissed at you for a tonna stuff and texted you last night a like 1am. You didn't respond all day. Than at like 11 I tried to ask if you got my messages and you didn't respond. And than I find out that you tell Eric Grahm more than you tell me because you talk to him which is more than I can say for us. So now instead of being pissed I'm hurt and upset. You have a life and I'm listening to you and avoiding DJ and I miss hanging out with you!! Please text or call or blog or get a facebook. Please Aly, respond. Obviously in semi-desperate and I need someone to talk to!! Please
From, Your Friend?? Caley

Love

Goddamn broken hearts.

~

I now realize that saying I've had... 9 (?) boyfriends in the ten weeks of summer is sorta ridiculous and makes me look really bad, but I didn't really date most of them... Ryan was the only really serious boyfriend I've ever had and we only broke up cause we had to. Kyle T. was pretty great too... And Jeff. Caleb was more fun but I broke up with him 'cause I feel bad about how I've "dated" so many of them and it's not really fair for him as I still and always have loved Ryan a helluva lot more than I could love one of his friends. And he knows that.
I guess by dating all of the people he hung around has been me trying to find the perfect sub for Ryan... Tuesday is going to suck. "Goodbye forever" is sorta cheesy, but in real life it's one of the more realistically painful than should have to be done. :'(

Erin + Justin = Betrayal
Can't believe I actually trusted her.

Love

"You know you're in love when reality is finally better than your dreams," so since my dreams suck so much that means I must really really love reality ;-)

Not really true but I do love life and I get why everything has happened the way it has

Tomorrow will be a big day... Breaking up with Caleb and letting go of all of my Parker friends...ethan and all the Exes: Ryan Jeff Austin Kyle t Alex Kevin Eric Luke... Plus all of my girl Friends who I'll really miss!!!
But I shouldn't keep blowing my other friends fir them. None of them but Kevin is my age or younger either and we broke up forever ago.
Sorry!!!
And Ryan, you were perfect. Sorry Kyle happened. More sorry than you could imagine

Also tomorrow there'll be telling the right people about the abusing issue with my friend.

John will never read this... I hope someday he realizes how much he impacts me and how much I'll miss him. Just because I know goodbye is coming doesn't mean it won't hurt worse than ever to say it. This time ita not just a program he'll quit or a winter-long thing. This is for 4 years and by then I'll be off to college.
John, you're the perfect totally non-perfect brother for me

Also, I am getting better at guitar!! Someday I'll actually sing something I wrote!!

I will never miss the years in middle achool and I'll try to never remember them :-) it's not like my last day was great (thanks Kyle by the way)

THINGS WILL CHANGE and they will be better because they can't really get worse. I forgave myself for... Everything

Love God -> Love life -> happiness??
We'll find out :D

Friends...

So, friends. Even though I screwed up with any conversation I have had, cept the dozen or so with Caleb ;-) not aly's Caleb... He's 16 and has a yellow lancer and almost perfect brown hair and green eyes... And sigh. Ethan's cousin

More Ryan drama. Great isn't it?? He doesn't get how I've dated like 4 of his friends since he moved plus Kyle (mistake) already... Most successful summer yet. Just kidding actually. I feel sorta bad... Whatever

I ditched my 3 best friends yesterday because Caleb took me slip n sliding :-) lol it was intense and awesome and Ethan and Kristen were there so it's not even like... Well it wasn't... Yes it was. Nevermind :-)
Anyways even tho it was amazing I feel really bad still.

John has to be there a day earlier than he thougt an it's still later than they want him there. He says that he'll miss ke anyways so he might as well start getting over it sooner. I'm sure that he meant that lovingly or whatever but it hurt really badly because he's not trying to care about the last days we'll have in this kind of life situation. Also too bad that this "situation" is so absolutely terrible.

When people say that they don't trust you and won't tell you anything anymore, they shouldn't just randomly tell you that they're abused and the tales of their mom beating them and how if you tell anyone that stuff, she'll throw herself out of a window. Hypothetically, of course.

Love my friends...

Satisfied

Right now, I can't regret not killing myself because this is where I'm supposed to be... Sitting on the couch watching a documentary with the best brother I could have, being able to just look at the mountains in Chile and sit in awe and amazement

Why should i even pretend to care anymore??? All of the people who said they cared just end up being jerks or hypocrites or just generally jerks. And all that I end up with is a shitty life with horrible parents, bad brothers, annoying friends, lies, and hurt. And yes, today I am letting myself feel sorry for ke because nobody else does, and I don't even care how pathetic that makes me.
Fuck life.

Love

LOVE

You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.
     -Dr. Suess

Cinderella walked on glass, Sleeping Beauty let a lifetime pass, Belle fell in love with a beast, Jasmine chose a poor man, Ariel spent her life on land. We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly

 "Love is not something your heart falls into, but something that picks it up and sets it soaring."

We were given: two hands to hold. Two legs to walk. Two eyes to see. two ears to listen. But why only one heart?Because the other was given to someone else. For us to find.

The ones that you love the most are usually the ones that hurt you the most

Love begins with a smile, grows witha kiss, and ends with a teardrop.

The sound of a kiss is nit so loud as that of a cannon, but it's echo lasts a great deal longer.
-Oliver Wendell Holmes

Love is like pi- natural, irrational, and very important
-Lisa Hoffman

You can't blame gravity for falling in love.
-Albert Einstein

Never try to define love. Once defined live is confined. Once confined - it dies.

Love is the only kind of fire which is never covered by insurance

Love doesn't make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.

Saddness

I am sad about:
John leaving
Erin
Daniel breaking his collar bone
that Kim is telling me exactly what I don't need to hear about being sad and onquering depression and other shit that doesn't really help in any way
that Aly is gone
that Netflix isn't working
I have no point in living
that I didn't kill myself in December
I have some friends I can't wait to get rid of
I have to smile all of the time and then i go cry myself to sleep every frikkin night but everybody says that I just need to smile even though I am so hurt and smiling just makes it worse
I feel pathetic
there are things I don't dare post on a blog, but are killing me

and every thought I have is plagued by pain and the knowledge that it just keeps getting harder and harder to deal with, and I have no one who would listen to all the stuf I can't even post

I absolutely HATE life but I can't end it now because with my luck I would end up not dying and would end up in a phsyc unit with everything in the room bolted to the floor or walls. This sucks

Life is extremely disatisfying... I'm constantly bored and I can't get rides anywhere so I rarely see my friends! Even Paige lives across the street (literally) and I have only seen her like 2ce all summer!!

Today I slept until past noon and than played my apps for over an hour. THAN I looked on the computer for another hour and a half helping mom look for shoes. And than I watched movies on netflix online. How freakishly boring if a Saturday?!

And now I discover that even though moths don't bug me at all, butterflies absolutely terrify me!! I'm on the couch downstairs getting ready to sleep because I was too freaked out to stay in my own room where a butterfly Is flyin throughout my room. MY room. And I can't kill it cause butterflies are so beautiful and even if I touched it I'd kill it. So defenseless is it, and so frikkin pathetic am I.

Tonight I decide to wonder why Sara and Liz stopped being friends. Because they were at the beginning off seventh grade and than in like the end if November they got into a huge fight about something and nobody but Jordan knows what. And I can't ask them because of exrelationships.

Ryan will be back next week... We'll see if anything comes of that

I want to go sleep in my room :'(
well maybe not sleep, but I can't watch step up 2 on my iPod downstairs or they might hear me

This life is confusing and so far I'm still looking for a reason - any reason - to keep living

Quotes

How did it get so late so soon?
It's night before it's afternoon.
December is here before it's June.
My goodness how the time has flewn.
How did it get so late so soon?
~Dr. Seuss

God gave us memories that we might have roses in December. ~J.M. Barrie, Courage, 1922

We do not remember days; we remember moments. ~Cesare Pavese, The Burning Brand

Wherever you go, no matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine. ~Anthony J. D'Angelo, The College Blue Book

Things that were hard to bear are sweet to remember. ~Seneca

Friendship isn't a big thing - it's a million little things. ~Author Unknown

There are big ships and small ships. But the best ship of all is friendship. ~unknown

Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today. ~James Dean


Friends are kisses blown to us by angels. ~Author Unknown


As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools. ~Author Unknown

The true meaning of life is to plant trees, under whose shade you do not expect to sit. ~Nelson Henderson

Success: To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends, to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded! ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Don't be dismayed at goodbyes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again. And meeting again, after moments or lifetime, is certain for those who are friends. ~Richard Bach


We only part to meet again. ~John Gay

Parting is all we know of heaven and all we need to know of hell. ~Emily Dickinson, "Parting"


Why does it take a minute to say hello and forever to say goodbye? ~Author Unknown

Nothing makes the earth seem so spacious as to have friends at a distance; they make the latitudes and longitudes. ~Henry David Thoreau

Goodbyes are not forever.
Goodbyes are not the end.
They simply mean I'll miss you
Until we meet again!
~Author Unknown

To die and part is a less evil; but to part and live, there, there is the torment. ~George Lansdowne

Only in the agony of parting do we look into the depths of love. ~George Eliot

You and I will meet again
When we're least expecting it
One day in some far off place
I will recognize your face
I won't say goodbye my friend
For you and I will meet again
~Tom Petty

Promise me you'll never forget me because if I thought you would I'd never leave. ~A.A. Milne

Every parting is a form of death, as every reunion is a type of heaven. ~Tryon Edwards

If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden. ~Attributed to Claudia Ghandi

That bitter word, which closed all earthly friendships and finished every feast of love farewell! ~Robert Pollok

A goodbye isn't painful unless you're never going to say hello again. ~Author Unknown

Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened. ~Theodor Seuss Geisel, attributed

But friendship is precious, not only in the shade, but in the sunshine of life, and thanks to a benevolent arrangement the greater part of life is sunshine. ~Thomas Jefferson

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival. ~CJ Lewis

Quote...

"Life is like a pencil without an eraser."

A Day in the Life

Today:
Woke up to Cady's text
Responded
Slept
Woke up again an hour later
Watched a scene from Legally Blonde
got potatoes
slept
Woke up again
Showered
Cut my leg shaving
Decided to wear capris and a tank top
Filled my new bag with all of the crap I might ever need
Forgot lipgloss
Forgot eyeliner
Forgot Lotion
Forgot a nail file
Organized rides
Started my social studies essay
looked up a T.S. Elliot quote
made up a quote
wrote my intro
rewrote my intro
rerewrote my intro
gave up writing
went outside to help build a vball net
gave up
got a soda
put a soda in my bag
went with cady to pick up alana
met alana's dog
went with cady to park meadows
got lost
turned left
missed the turn
made it
met kim and aly
went to... claire's??
bought: nothing
went to... wetzels pretzel
bought: a pretzel. should have gotten it free. no receipt
went to somewhere else
eventually ended up at bath and body works
bought: lotion
bought: body spray
almost killed my skin using hand sanitizer
didn't
got lemonade from chick fil' a
sat
texted kyle
delt with aly calling him a d****e bag
calmed aly down
went on a search for a shirt aly and i both really want
found it at aeropostal, cept it is spag. straps not shouldered
bought it anyways
paying aly back anyways
went to hot topic
kim bought an all time low cd
went home, to aly's house
watched miss congeniality
ate pizza
ate something good with cinammon
ate a lolly pop
stopped texting kyle
tried to decide what to get aly for her bday
decided (she'll love it)
came home
painted my nails
unpainted my nails
repainted my nails. bright red :-)
got a soda
came to do homework
didn't
blogged.
THE END

2 Questions

Why sleep so much?? I mean, 10 hours a day?? I function on 6 on a good night, and 2 if I decide I have a lot to think about. Which I do. It's 12:32 am and I've got a ton to think about! Questions to ask and try to answer, people to analyze, a bed to make stop creaking, a book to read... the list goes on and on and on and on!!!!

Also, why can't people name things. Like pillows... Maybe it sounds weird now, but everything had to have sounded weird. Like the idea of writing things down!! We have years of unrecorded history simply because it was a weird thing to say what happened for someone to read. Now look at us! Even me, a 14-year-old, will be remembered for as long as the Internet exists!
Anyways, I think it would add value and personality to an object. I have a body pillow I named Freedrick (with a long e) just because I wanted it to have a name.

Happiness, Dang it!

Today, I'm legitimately happy. My friends who actually know me would realize that this is pretty significant.

5 days left of being in school, and 1 at Elitch's with my friends! My oh so AMAZING friends <3
I have had pretty much the worst 3 years of my life in middle school. Now these last few days are also some of the best :-)

In one class (SSR) I was having a terrible day. I tell Kimmy, and she goes, "HAPPINESS D**N IT!" Now, she tries not to cuss, so it has been converted to Dang It. Still though, we all had crappy days. Even people who put on a smile and pretend that life is just oh so great and dandy. And even in those days, we've had our amazing friends who yell stuff out in the middle of class that totally could get them in trouble, but they don't care 'cause it makes for a fantastic memory.

So, now I'm dating Kyle... interesting considering everything that's happened in the last year. Exciting, nonetheless.

A coupla days ago, Daniel graduated. It was May 27th, 2010 at around 3pm. He had 3 chords and a distinguished scholar ribbon thing and anything else meaning that he is creatively genius!

The day before, I'd had the stomache flu... From sickness to thrill though! And it was worth being sick to appreciate the AMAZINGNESS of food :-)

It's the 31st of May 2010! We will graduate in 4 years as the class of 2014, and I can't wait!!

Of Middle School:
Best = hopefully still to come!! If not, though, definately those quiet moments of joy when something great happens in the midst of a terrible day
Worst = having to let go of things/people I love

Of Eighth:
Best = Rethinking... Everything :-)
Worst = Depression

less.than.three,
Caley

The good, honest truth

Behind every mask is someone crying out for someone to let them breathe