Ryan vs. Alex

Ryan texted me the other day. He's still perfect. I hate that he had to leave.
Alex on the other hand is the guy who just transferred into my Chinese class... and is amazing. He's not perfect. He isn't really that cute, from my perspective. However, he has the same sense of humor as me and I love being around him. We both can't decide if we like each other. We both are trying to get the other person to. It's kinda ridiculous actually. I have Chinese on Wednesday! We'll see how that goes :-)

In art, Amazing is causing so much drama. Yes, that's her name. And she treats JT (the guy who broke up with Paige for her) like crap. And she's cheating with JT's best friend. So during the 99 minutes I have of art, I get to hear about it.

I think Molly is starting to drink.

Kim still isn't talking to me. I miss her. I hope that she misses me enough to at least have a regular conversation with me, so that Karson and Aly aren't stuck between us. I love Kimmy!!

Church is changing again. There is no room that youth can go to. Which we don't even totally need one right now, but Joe gave our room to Club 56 and the REC room which is pretty much Net overflow and church's rejected stuff. It makes me feel rejected and like I don't have a place in my church to identify with anymore.

Daniel moved into DU today. College is perfect for how I want to live, and I can't wait for my 4 years of high school to be done!! Maybe in college the school will be big enough to avoid dramatic people. Even though I love them.

I stopped reading Picture Perfect because it's a romance novel (aka "girl porn") and I wish I could keep reading because it was an amazing book!! But I'm not because God doesn't want me to and I figure, I screw up so much already I might as well TRY to do something right.

Next Tuesday we're going to see John!!!!!! Hopefully he'll be able to play soccer, but he's been getting hurt so there's no way to know for sure.
I miss him.

I talked to Erin and she's going to try to earn my trust back. She knows she hurt me. I went and was going to calmly talk to her about how I can't decide if I should let her back in to lead me or not and I ended up bawling about how much I missed her but she'd hurt me so much that I was so lost... and I cried into her shoulder and she hugged me and she's going to work for my trust. I am so relieved.

I didn't get a part in the play. I wasn't expecting one but it still sucked.
Karson didn't get one either and she deserved it.

Dance is gonna be legit!! I can't wait to find out what the song is!!!!!!!! Amanda has known all summer but they won't tell until the actual dance season starts.

Life will be good now or later. It's not all these circumstances that'll make life better, they just make it easier of harder to accept.

Love

"You know you're in love when reality is finally better than your dreams," so since my dreams suck so much that means I must really really love reality ;-)

Not really true but I do love life and I get why everything has happened the way it has

Tomorrow will be a big day... Breaking up with Caleb and letting go of all of my Parker friends...ethan and all the Exes: Ryan Jeff Austin Kyle t Alex Kevin Eric Luke... Plus all of my girl Friends who I'll really miss!!!
But I shouldn't keep blowing my other friends fir them. None of them but Kevin is my age or younger either and we broke up forever ago.
Sorry!!!
And Ryan, you were perfect. Sorry Kyle happened. More sorry than you could imagine

Also tomorrow there'll be telling the right people about the abusing issue with my friend.

John will never read this... I hope someday he realizes how much he impacts me and how much I'll miss him. Just because I know goodbye is coming doesn't mean it won't hurt worse than ever to say it. This time ita not just a program he'll quit or a winter-long thing. This is for 4 years and by then I'll be off to college.
John, you're the perfect totally non-perfect brother for me

Also, I am getting better at guitar!! Someday I'll actually sing something I wrote!!

I will never miss the years in middle achool and I'll try to never remember them :-) it's not like my last day was great (thanks Kyle by the way)

THINGS WILL CHANGE and they will be better because they can't really get worse. I forgave myself for... Everything

Love God -> Love life -> happiness??
We'll find out :D

Life is extremely disatisfying... I'm constantly bored and I can't get rides anywhere so I rarely see my friends! Even Paige lives across the street (literally) and I have only seen her like 2ce all summer!!

Today I slept until past noon and than played my apps for over an hour. THAN I looked on the computer for another hour and a half helping mom look for shoes. And than I watched movies on netflix online. How freakishly boring if a Saturday?!

And now I discover that even though moths don't bug me at all, butterflies absolutely terrify me!! I'm on the couch downstairs getting ready to sleep because I was too freaked out to stay in my own room where a butterfly Is flyin throughout my room. MY room. And I can't kill it cause butterflies are so beautiful and even if I touched it I'd kill it. So defenseless is it, and so frikkin pathetic am I.

Tonight I decide to wonder why Sara and Liz stopped being friends. Because they were at the beginning off seventh grade and than in like the end if November they got into a huge fight about something and nobody but Jordan knows what. And I can't ask them because of exrelationships.

Ryan will be back next week... We'll see if anything comes of that

I want to go sleep in my room :'(
well maybe not sleep, but I can't watch step up 2 on my iPod downstairs or they might hear me

This life is confusing and so far I'm still looking for a reason - any reason - to keep living