Saddness

I am sad about:
John leaving
Erin
Daniel breaking his collar bone
that Kim is telling me exactly what I don't need to hear about being sad and onquering depression and other shit that doesn't really help in any way
that Aly is gone
that Netflix isn't working
I have no point in living
that I didn't kill myself in December
I have some friends I can't wait to get rid of
I have to smile all of the time and then i go cry myself to sleep every frikkin night but everybody says that I just need to smile even though I am so hurt and smiling just makes it worse
I feel pathetic
there are things I don't dare post on a blog, but are killing me

and every thought I have is plagued by pain and the knowledge that it just keeps getting harder and harder to deal with, and I have no one who would listen to all the stuf I can't even post

I absolutely HATE life but I can't end it now because with my luck I would end up not dying and would end up in a phsyc unit with everything in the room bolted to the floor or walls. This sucks